By Kari Henley and Sarah Suatoni, co-founders of Gather Central
May 7, 2006

 There is an Ancient African proverb that tells us ‘it takes a whole village to raise a child'. No one would disagree.  Families today find themselves isolated by suburban sprawl and city dwellings, caught up in the business of planned living. We schedule everything down to our ‘down time’ and our ‘quality time’.  Demographics, economics, and life style leave us too scheduled and too busy for old-fashioned community.  Our children do not suffer from boredom and the creative play that follows it.  They do not struggle to negotiate the neighborhood pack. We live in the wealthiest nation on the planet, we consider ourselves lucky, and our lives very successful, yet we are stressed. Headache and stomachache medication are top sellers and ADD and ADHD are rapidly increasing in our children.

Mothers are particularly stressed.  We run our children to play dates, soccer games, dance recitals, French lessons, homeopaths, therapist, OT’s, and tutors all day long. We are so busy we rarely have the time to stop and think about what we are modeling or ask ourselves if this the legacy we want to leave our daughters? What happened to the village? For our daughters, it seems the mall has become the modern replacement.

Raising a daughter in this generation is a unique experience. Most of us are daughters of the Feminist movement. We were raised to believe we could ‘have it all’.  We were taught that we can (and should) achieve greatness in the work place, develop ourselves intellectually, physically, and spiritually, maintain Martha Stewart-like homes and foster healthy, happy, youth who have that competitive edge. Living under the “you can have it all” motto fosters a great deal of pressure and a quiet sense of failure at not being able to do everything perfectly – and our daughters may be confused because of it.

Recently, Judith Warner published Perfect Madness, Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety, which takes a broad perspective of current mothers, pointing out our stressful tendency to try to do everything perfectly, as well as our over-involvement in our children’s lives. She recognizes that many mothers feel they have no choice but to participate in the competitive track, stating that, “In the winner take all society, where the wealthy have the privilege of good education, health care, housing, and above all, choice…and everyone else scrambles to make do with ever shrinking options and resources, parents know all to well that if they don’t groom their children to be winners they will end up, de facto, losers.”

But, perhaps there is a deeper reason for our frenzied living. Maybe we are scheduling ourselves to death to recreate some shred of community and connection. Traditionally, women and girls sat for a good portion of the day sharing tasks, talking, and storytelling. Young girls experienced various ceremonies and rites of passage that engendered their self-esteem and imbued them with a sense of responsibility.  This is still true in tribal villages today where corn is ground, clothing is sewn, pottery is made and celebrations done for first menses. Modern life does not offer many outlets that mimic that simple and vital example of being female.

Let’s look at the rites of passage for our girls today: trips to the mall, getting their first cell phone, ‘IM-ing’ about a dozen friends simultaneously, and going on mass group websites like “myspace.com” to see what everyone else is doing. If you look closely at their endless communication you see that they are wildly expressing their need for connection and aimlessly trying to re-create the village.

In the past year we satisfied our desire for a village by developing a variety of workshops and retreats targeted to women, mothers and daughters. This experiment taught us that it is easy and enormously valuable to use our ancestral tools to re-create community. We established a cozy fun space for women to relax, daughters to have fun and subtle wisdom to be passed along using simple rituals like sitting in a circle and passing a ‘talking stick’.  We invite women to share about their lives and tell empowering stories that give girls a sense of who they are and what they can be in the world.  We move our bodies in an easy yoga/dance style, do creative art projects and explore sacred ceremonies like a Native American giving ceremonies and birthing ways.

The experiment showed that other women and girls were equally starved for this sort of interaction.  Some drive an hour just to get there. Many agree that what they love about it is just having the space to ‘Be.’ Rather than being stressed about making it to another obligation, they leave feeling replenished, nourished in a way that gives them energy and humor in the days that followed. When they go home their other children and spouses recognized it. There is a palpable shift between Mother and Daughter as Mothers show their daughters who they are outside of the roles of chauffer, grand organizer, breadwinner, and taskmaster. The light in the girl’s eyes shines as they see their mother in a totally new light.  There is a shift for Mothers as they remembered how to play, imagine, and inspirit themselves in a way that their daughters have not yet forgotten.  There is a shift for all of us as the power of the group reveals the presence of something larger than ourselves.  We all feel relieved by the support and embrace of that presence and we celebrated the fact that we do not have to manage this madness alone.

It turns out it really isn’t that hard to create a village.  Particularly when you include children. Our daughters would rather spend time with us than go to the mall any day.   If you want to try forming a similar group here are the elements we recommend.  Sit in a circle; give time to each person to share why they came and who they are and include story telling, dance, expressive arts, ritual and discussion.

Start with a story.  Find a story that offers a message you find meaningful and tell it to the group.  Story telling is an ancient communication used before reading, writing, (or text messaging).  It appeals directly to the imagination, which is the party line to our soul.  Stories invite each person to use their imagination and their senses to make meaning from words.  This invitation sets a magical tone for the group.  It talks directly to the spirit and says, “finally it is your turn and this is a place you can be without judgment”.

 After telling the story try using music to dance the story.  This brings the body in.  The body houses our emotions, deep thoughts, and memories.  When you include the body you include the whole person and therefore invite more depth and meaning.  The body can also be included by doing yoga, stretching, breathing, foot massage, games, and dancing.  The inclusion of the body shifts the tone of the group by relieving stress, lightening the mood, and opening us up to our feelings.

Next do an arts and crafts project with your girls that explores the themes you want to address.  Arts and crafts further engage the imagination and it is something you can do together which allows you to share deeply.  For example, you can each draw and or write your deepest hopes and dreams. Finally, create a circle and discuss your topic.  Pick easy questions that the girls can answer and open your self up to sharing.  Discuss your topic with out advice giving, judgment, or comment, so that everyone feels full acceptance.  Close with a simple ritual like breathing together, singing, sharing a word or thought about the day, or offering hugs all around. 

Jean Shineda Bolen, Jungian analyst and expert of women’s circles, holds a vision that each group that meets causes a ripple effect creating a sense of meaning and a feeling of community extending out beyond our reach.  If it takes a village, create one, and rests in the knowledge that your village will help to create others. Margaret Mead says, “Never doubt that a thoughtful group of concerned citizens can change the world, indeed it is the only thing that ever has”.